1. One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five kilos.
2. The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because they would put them down and forget where we put them.
3. It’s time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.
4. What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills? You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.
5. What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.
6. Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.
7. Your mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.
8. What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.
9. It’s nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
10. There is an article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what most people call a perfect day.
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